"But living totally alone it was also a difficult issue. And because I could not have a “normal” relationship it had to end up in “abnormal” relationships. Since 2005 I have a male friend. He is married. And that means that he cannot have anything more that I want to offer him. At the beginning he filled up the emptiness. We became lovers, now we are more as friends. I know that he loves me somehow, I have good feelings for him. He supports me a lot, helps by talk, by some house work at my flat, by other ways. But I don’t see myself living with him and vice-versa. He sails on tall ships. Sometimes we sail together. He is not so often back home. Even if he is, he lives in another city and meetings are once a week or two. ."

"Meanwhile I met another man in Barcelona. He is African. He is from Ivory Coast. Business man, now a director in an American company there. Grown up in Europe, with good business background (field of interest: marketing... ups! ), good financial situation, high society class and for last 3 years he also teaches at business courses. Married, of course..."

"...Since then we stay in touch, sometimes we meet when he is in Europe, like once a year for 3-4 days."

"My relationships is another story. Now the difficult part for me... Sometime after when we brought up I started to meet a guy from the uni. He was working as an IT man in our Faculty. He was your age. He was after me very much and with the time I started to date him. At the beginning was ok, but then he started to compete with Jas, canceling my freedom bit by bit, pushing me to move into his flat (I have never done that), trying get to control over me and after a year I decided to quit. He didn’t want to let me go. It became a nightmare. I was spied, blackmailed, my mailbox was hacked, my computer searched, fake stories about me spread out around friends. There were arguments, fights and the last one ended up with me being hit. I got deaf with one ear by 80%. All that time was really bad, because I tried to pretend at home, especially for Jas, that everything was fine. He couldn’t see me in a bad condition. Even my mother still does not know about the ear, however she noticed that things were going bad and tried to talk with me."

"Relation with the divorced man – that is another issue. For me there are two problems: first the social one, and second – the religious one. First is because of this what you said. I do not believe that one spouse is good and the other was bad so the marriage could not work. There is not white and black, so if the marriage did not work, there usually is something wrong on both sides. I do not say equally, no, no. But it could be something wrong in the relation from the very beginning, wrong fundamentals, so this relation cannot work anyway. And this happens often. People get married because they think they are in love, and they are not. Pink glasses. And if somebody failed in one relation… and if he left one woman for another… when he hits once… And the second problem of living with a divorced man – we as the Catholics believe in promise given in front of God that it is given for life. Even if you are divorced officially, in terms of Church you are still married. And then – no communion unless we live in the “white marriage”. And I DON’T want to have a white marriage. I want to feel my man with my heart, with my brain and with my body. Love and be loved, kiss and be kissed. And if there is not God in the marriage how can we go? How can I go? After while it is harder and harder to be in the Church and the jealousy arise for people who can go for the body of Christ and I cannot. I am sure that you would feel this same. Maybe I am wrong but I don’t think so, or maybe I do not know you good enough. And therefore it is a choice to be made. The marriage with the divorced and our attitudes, feelings, believes. What would you think if the situation is just the opposite – you are free and the woman you love is not? Maybe you would have this same kind of dilemma as me? Maybe not? I don’t know…."

"Take care my CI man, I kiss you in the Barcelonian way – slowly, with tongue among your lips and going down on your neck little by little, followed with fingers over your body, taking you to another world, world of pleasure, emotions, feeling not thinking… close your eyes and feel… my legs over your hips, my hands over your shoulders, face by face, body by body… sweat, heat, fire… unity… and exosted fall asleep…"

"You know, six years ago I met a man with whom I felt in love and it was a total disaster. He was not free, however he said that he was. He was not responsible, however he looked totally different. He was nice, good looking, good companion for fun, but not at all for life. This love caused me a lot of pain, lot of tears, I promised myself not to get involved in any relation, especially with not a free man. "

"Of course, when you talk about wives, the guys tell me that they loved them, liked them, and if she would find out about “the third one”, the man would go on his knees to his wife and beg her to keep the marriage to go on. I know all that, therefore I do not go into such relations. And now… I has broken all my promises. I got involved in the man who is not free. "

"I have you in my mind, in my thoughts, in everyday life. But this is a week since Barcelona. So short, so fresh... I miss your voice, your hands, your body over me, your kisses slow and exciting, your invisible protections, care and the shrimps."

"And there are some customs aroused – you looking for a mail in the morning and me waiting for a call or sms during the afternoon or in the evening."

"I told you if you were my husband I would not like you to go with other woman, that’s for sure. I mean like having a lover or something like this."

"I could observe my sister when her husband was meeting with another woman and my sister was not sure what to think of it. And then she found the sms’s on his phone, specific ones. The stupid thing was that he was hiding his mobile while writing sms and her approaching, was moving to another room when answering certain calls. That all made it so suspicious. He was so poor in hiding things and she was so down, crying, having stress, thinking about their three little ones. I keep remembering that."

"And now the sun is up… so red… going slowly, up and up, going through little clouds… like us – starting slowly, going little by little, deeper and deeper, with the feelings up, being felt smoothly at the beginning, and then more and more intensive – like the sun, becoming more and more bright with beautiful gold colours… and at the end it is so nice, so good… just wanting to keep it that way… and when the sun is already high on the sky - it is like the act is done, you can lie down, rest, feel the emotions, prolong it having the loved next to you, close, very close in your arms, with legs over your body, and be like in the full sun, feeling the warmth, feeling the essence of life, be happy, be exosted, but full of vivid energy and ready to go for new day…"

"Men were coming, were going, no-one so far could make me quit my scheme."

"I go to a confession once in a while, and say that there is someone I love, he is married, I don’t see him for a long times, don’t take him from his home, his wife, I cannot even see him, touch, nothing, but he is."

"Today when I talked with Ika, she told me that men are afraid of me. Too good looking, too well educated, too much independent, seeming to be a strong personality, a woman who knows what she wants… In many cases these features (which are true or not) in relations with men are real disaster! haha!! They perceive me as a woman good to meet with her, show up with her, but not to live with her. Pitiful. But now it will be even harder for them because the level after Paris was put very high. Jej, very high! You haven’t done a good work for other guys, haha!! It is not high jump competition, they will need a high stick to jump you over, haha!! Oj Jean, they will have a difficult task. "

"It was good I could share my feelings with those two persons. And I got two different, however to some extend similar, views and comments. I really wonder what a comment I might get from a properly and happily married woman. I guess that she would tell me few bitter words about going out with somebody’s husband."

"And now it came to my mind that I do not really know what to do because it reminded me about words of the priest during the confession last time. He told me that if I keep on willingness of meeting you I should not come for forgiveness anymore, because I do not want to change it. And the proper sense of forgiveness during the confession is the will of change, so if I still think of you and want to meet you, love you, keep the relation, then the confession doesn’t make any sense and is not valid. And he told me that next time he wouldn’t give me the forgiveness."

"today I called you, but got the wrong moment. I am always very afraid of calling you, however I would like to do it. And if I finally dare to do it, then in 95% the moment won't be right. It's awful not to feel free to call someone while it should be kind of pleasure rather than a torture."

"What did you mean by that? You have no confidence with me? Are you ashamed of me? Is there a feeling of betrayal in you about anything connected with me and our relation? Is there no respect, consideration? You are not pride of having this kind of relationship with me?"

"Hope that you are okey, Alexandre was accepted for the job, Pierre is doing much better at his school then the last year, Laurence is in good condition and happy with you."

"Now you appeared on the skype. Good to see you and could have a talk. I read your writing and imagine the colour of your voice, the way you pronounce words… I miss you so much. Shouldn’t write that. I should be more firm, it would be easier for us, but I really miss you. Oj, Jo, silly girl… "

"Take care my CI Sun"

"I kiss you, however I would prefer to be kissed by you, hmmm…. That would be good… maybe one day… as it is said – the hope dies the last"

"It was good I could share my feelings with those two persons. And I got two different, however to some extend similar, views and comments. I really wonder what a comment I might get from a properly and happily married woman. I guess that she would tell me few bitter words about going out with somebody’s husband."

"And now it came to my mind that I do not really know what to do because it reminded me about words of the priest during the confession last time. He told me that if I keep on willingness of meeting you I should not come for forgiveness anymore, because I do not want to change it. And the proper sense of forgiveness during the confession is the will of change, so if I still think of you and want to meet you, love you, keep the relation, then the confession doesn’t make any sense and is not valid. And he told me that next time he wouldn’t give me the forgiveness."

"today I called you, but got the wrong moment. I am always very afraid of calling you, however I would like to do it. And if I finally dare to do it, then in 95% the moment won't be right. It's awful not to feel free to call someone while it should be kind of pleasure rather than a torture."

"What did you mean by that? You have no confidence with me? Are you ashamed of me? Is there a feeling of betrayal in you about anything connected with me and our relation? Is there no respect, consideration? You are not pride of having this kind of relationship with me?"

"Hope that you are okey, Alexandre was accepted for the job, Pierre is doing much better at his school then the last year, Laurence is in good condition and happy with you."

"Now you appeared on the skype. Good to see you and could have a talk. I read your writing and imagine the colour of your voice, the way you pronounce words… I miss you so much. Shouldn’t write that. I should be more firm, it would be easier for us, but I really miss you. Oj, Jo, silly girl… "

"Take care my CI Sun"

"I kiss you, however I would prefer to be kissed by you, hmmm…. That would be good… maybe one day… as it is said – the hope dies the last"

"Secondly, I still think that a man cannot love two women or a woman cannot love two men at the same time. I mean with the love between the couple. Because then you want to share your life, you want to spent the most time you can with the person you are in love with. I am such a person. If I am in love with someone, I would like to talk to him, to share with him; I would not feel like sharing this same with another man, telling him these same stories, having discussions. "

"And on top of that, I am this kind of woman which thinks maybe too much, but anyway… I thought about the spouses. Silly, as some other ladies could say… hehe!! My thinking is that if I was a wife, how would I feel knowing that my husband has this type of female friend? Hmmm… Would I be happy? Would I be jealous? Would think of her as his friend or my rival? Would I like to know her and try to find out if she wants to take my position? Maybe I should rise a question why is he talking to her rather than to me? To be honest if I love my husband, probably I would not like all of that… "

"The third thing is that I respect your home, your wife and family, and do not want anybody to feel bad – you or her"

"And this what I admit is honesty. You were honest. I know that many things should not happened, but... I do not regret it. I liked it, I liked to think of you, to make a salad for you, remember about breakfast, to walk and talk with you, to tell you to keep straight :) but I know the hierarchy as well and I know my place in the hierarchy."

"I am a little one among His sheep. Still have so much to learn… You are a big one with so many gifts… I am happy to know you… and I think that God sees us, our intentions and he has the solution for us. Maybe we will like it or not, but His solution will be the best one."

"Me and you, we are not having a common life together, we do not have common problems together, it is fun to meet and spent time with each other, but sometimes I’m afraid that one day there will be nothing to be said when we meet, because there might not be this common sphere which belongs to both of us. However now it came to my mind, that if it goes this way, it might take quite a long time till we learn each other well and get bored, haha!! Maybe if we live together after 2-3 months you would say: “Jo, you are not so nice as I thought”. Or I would say: “Jean, hmmm….” (now I’m thinking what to say, haha!!). Anyway these thoughts came to my mind after the talk with that colleague."

"But by the time being I feel ok, especially when I receive such smses as this one of Sunday morning!!! Please, don’t stop writing them!!! PLS, PLS, PLS!!!!!!"

"Take care my CI man, Have good days this week at work, at home, wherever you go… and take me with you there."

Henrik

"Henryk is a good man. He would do a lot of things for me. I'm sure. However I dont think that we could go together well in everyday life. I'm too comlicated, haha!!!!! too much for him!! I still wonder how you manage, haha!!!"

"Henryk is telling me about the problems of his wife at her work. It is his life, she is the important part of his life"

"Only with Henryk I feel more close and relaxed, because I know that he is very much involved with his wife and daughters. His place is in his town, his home, where he comes back from the sea. Last time when we met, we discussed if it could work if we were together. And funny thing is that we both agreed that we like each other very much, like to meet, talk, work (he helps me in my flat) together, share thoughts, problems, but it wouldn’t work for us if we would like to be as a couple. I know it wouldn’t work. Different approaches, attitudes, interests. Many thongs, what makes our friendship interesting, but wouldn’t work in everyday life. We have our lives, separate, and this relation works in those conditions. The other day he told me to find someone and not to be alone. But I was told not to take anyone, just because this guy wears trousers, haha!! I like Henryk. I never wrote about him so much to anyone you are the first. In many things I write you are the first… Funny… "

"do I really always must meet man from other places? Henryk lives 60 km from Gdynia, that guy in Poznań, and you... hmm... haha!!"